Enough's enough

Honourary mom-based entry:

Me: "I just don't want to come all the way out here to feed that cat. There's nothing in it for me."
Mom: "What, you don't want to do something selfless and impress dad and I?"
Me: "Fuck, no. I've already got a master's degree, I don't have to try any more."

Hypocracy!

Me: "They're doing some sort of construction on the face of my building. And they're salty-mouthed construction workers."
Dad: "Didn't you just refer to a female author as a 'broad'?"
Me: "Damn, good point."

Can't touch this.

Honorary entry from Helene:

Me: "Stop. Hammer time."
Hélène: "Those three words just ruined my day."
Me: "Really? They just made my day."
[Beat]
Me: "School's out, sucka.'"

Un-intended Helene slam

Me: “I wonder if Pugeot sets out to make the ugliest cars imaginable, or if that’s just a coincidence?”
Dad: “Ever since that car, the Aztec, came out a few years ago, car making has been going down hill.”

European ants

Dad: “Hey, look – it’s that giant fiber glass ant-statue I told you about.”
[Large fiberglass statue with black and yellow stripes passes.]
Me: “Dude, that’s a bumble bee. Notice the stripes?”
Dad: “No it’s not – it’s a European ant.”
Me: “If that were true, it would have a beret, a neck-scarf, and be smoking.”
Dad: “Okay, good point.”

Wishful thinking

Dad: “So, that’s the route of today. And we’ll be able to look for great herds of St. Bernards frolicking in Alpine meadows.”
Me: “How well you know me.”

It's genetics

Dad: “I think we’re going to miss Interlaken on this trip.”
Me: “That’s okay – you’ve got interlockin’ at home. Hoy-oh!”
Dad: “Well, at least you don’t take wholly after your mother.”
Me: “Phsh. You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first.”
Dad: [Barely discernable nod.]

Positively horrible.

Dad: "I think this is the slow road through Furth."
Me: "Well, now we can say we've been to Furth."
Dad: "True, but it's not the Furth place I would have picked to visit."
Me: "Groan. That was horrible. You're walking back to Rothenburg from here."
Dad: "No, no! Write that one down!"

Mission: Probably Possible

Me: "How are we going to get our wheat from the field at Waterloo home? Isn't Customs Canada on the lookout for this kind of thing?"
Dad: "I'm going to put it in the same bag as a minature broom we bought."
Me: "Ahhh, that's deviously sneeky."
Dad: "Phhh... this isn't the first time I've smuggled something...."

Grampa Simpson in the house

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about the time I met the Grand Duke of Luxemburg?"
Me: "NO!" [Beat. Beat. Beat.] "But do tell."
Dad: "Montreal. Winter of 1976. I was there working Olympic security..." [At which point, the story becames a little long winded - short version: he was posted as sentry for a press conference by the IOC President and Vice Presidents - the VPs were the Grand Dukes of Lichtenstein and Luxemburg.] ".... and then he shook my hand. I doubt it if he'd remember me."
Me: "Good call."

An MA in Obviously.

Dad: "Hun. I wonder what the French call the Battle of Waterloo?"
Me: "A resounding defeat? Hoy-Yo!"
Dad: "Un-hun."
Me: "Aw."

Fussen about

Me: "Man, I really wanted something with Fussen's town crest on it."
Dad: "I saw a bunch of flags with it - but they were on buildings."
Me: "Well, you're the flag cat-burgler - care to come back later tonight and nab me one?"
Dad: "Well, obviously I wasn't a very good flag theif."

von Trappin' it up.

Dad: "Hun. That was the least spectacular boarder crossing I could have expected. Well, do you feel like you're in Austria now?"
Me: "Nope. But wasn't that kindda' Hitler's point?"
Dad: "True enough."

Booooooo-urns.

In Hexenloch:

Dad: "I'm keeping my eyes up-towards the hills looking for anything un-towards coming at us."
Me: "That was just awesomely horrible."

Awkward...

Dad: "Look at how the front doors of those homes open right on to the main street."
Me: "So, not a kid-friendly type of town? I guess that means the parent only have to raise the smart ones."
Dad: "Do you really want to say something like that in the Father Land, with its history of selective breeding?"
Me: "Oops."

Muppet-piece theater

Dad: "I don't really need a hair cut right now, but I'll get one any way since it's gonna look pretty shaggy in a couple of weeks."
Me: "Good plan. I didn't NEED an eyebrow wax, but in about a week, I was gonna start looking like a muppet again."
Dad: "Aw, I like muppets."*

*Ah, loving acceptance.

TLC, Stat!

Me: I was wondering how pissed you would be if I rolled up to the airport with a pillow.
Dad: I guess that means you're going to have to pack your teddy bear?
Me: No, he can't come - he's getting to old and I'm affraid he'll fall apart.
Dad: You should see if CHEO still does the teddy-bear hospitals.
Me: What, and godzilla-stomp the little kids to get him better?
Dad: Exactly.

All grown up

Ring, ring.

Dad: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey - how's it going?"
Dad: "Good."
Me: "Is mom home?"
Dad: "Yes. [Beat] She let me answer the phone this time."
Me: "Ooooo.... like a big boy!"
Dad: "Yup!"

Quebec City

Dad: "Want to stop at Quebec City for lunch?"
Me: "I'll go anywhere the French got their asses handed to them by the English."
Dad: "Fair enough."

Wiffs of grapeshot

Me:
"Here's a question for you that mom and I were debating this weekend:

If there was a revolt against the queen (you know, 17th century Cromwellian style) today, and the army were ordered to go out and quash the rebellion, would you follow orders? Even if it meant firing on fellow Canadians?

Mom said no one in the army would follow that order. I said you all would for two reasons: 1- it's an order and if you didn't you'd be subject to court-martial and treason charges, and 2- you've taken an oath to protect the queen.

Thoughts?"

Dad:
"Hard question and not enough time to answer it completely.

Short answer, a revolt against the Queen, also known as the Government of Canada, and the CF was supporting the government, yes, follow orders and do whats necessary.

A seccession of a province, after a majority vote, no, I would not support a trampling of a peaceful separation. No Balkans here!

A seccession of a province, without a majority vote, whatever necessary to protect the rights of Canadians.

Now a question for you. Did you check out the converter/plug adapter you have?"

Costumes!

Me: "You should bring more luggage - how else are you going to get the leiderhossen I'm making you buy home?"
Dad: "I'm gonna wear it on the plane, how else?"

Peacocks

Me: "If I win the lotto, can I buy you a peacock?"
Dad: "No. No more pets."
Me: "Dude, it's a wild animal, not a pet."
Dad: "Well, pardon my ignorance. In that case, no."

Rational

My dad's a cut up. The non-sequiters we come up with are hilarious. I just want to have a place to go back and look over our laughs together.

Enjoy!